The Open Thing
by Skadia
Summary: Did you ever love someone with all your heart but still wish that person were different? Did you ever love someone enough to do anything to keep them? This is a story about the little difference between loving someone and falling in love with them.


Damn that guy was hot !

Castiel laid back on his desk chair, eyes on the screen of his computer feeling vaguely guilty and turned on at the same time. He created an account on this dating site long before he met Dean, and logged in tonight just to pass the time. He had like a hundred messages from strangers, most of them really, really fit and attractive and really damn hot.

He loved Dean. With all his heart and all his soul, truly and deeply, he loved him. But Dean was nowhere as sexy as these guys on the internet. Even drunk he couldn't write, or even think half of the dirty things Castiel had been sent on the dating site, and Castiel kind of missed it.

There was absolutely nothing wrong in their relationship. Castiel knew how lucky he was to date his best friend, how happy they made each other, and sex was quite good despite their divergences on the subject. Castiel liked it rough, not that he was kinky or into any crazy thing, but Dean was the epitome of vanilla. Sex was good but it wasn't perfect. Not as great as it might be with a cutie that was … Castiel clicked back on another message "ready to let you do anything to my ass". That would be…

Fulfilling. Castiel realized.

He felt guilty again. He loved Dean, Dean was amazing and Castiel would not cheat on him! Ever !

He closed the site and turned on the TV trying to distract himself until Dean came back from work.

But the idea remained. Day after day, he thought about it and felt himself becoming more and more broody as Dean kept their sex life at a casual and cute level.

"What's wrong?" The engineer finally asked one night. Castiel sighed his hands covering his face.

"I can't, I can't do that …"

"Do what?"

Castiel turned on his side to face his companion. "I need more." He said a lump in his throat.

"More… what?" Dean felt like an idiot despite his Phd.

"Sex. Like … No… Not that I don't like sex with you it's just… I can't stop hoping I could date other people."

Dean looked hurt, of course he was hurt! Castiel didn't mean it to sound so rude, but he just tried to be honest.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No ! No ! Nothing wrong it's just… There are so many other guys out there…You should see them on the dating site I was in before I met you ! Miles of ripped muscles, pretty faces, and the things they write me …"

Now Dean looked angry and Castiel felt like the biggest asshole in the world.

"So you want to dump me for a sexier, kinkier guy…"

"No !" Castiel yelled. He sat on the bed, head in his hands. "I don't want to break up with you ! I love you ! It's just… it would be only casual dating and sex … we would still be a couple, just in an open relationship!"

There, he finally managed to say it : open relationship. Dean frowned and looked purposefully at the ceiling.

"I don't like that." He said eventually. "I love you, you're enough for me, I don't want to date anyone else. I don't want an open relationship."

Castiel felt his heart sink in his chest.

"Fine." He mumbled. "Topic closed."

But the topic actually remained open and they kept arguing almost daily about it until, in a burst of anger, Castiel let slip that their relationship might end soon if they stayed exclusive.

"You seriously think that?"

Castiel nodded. "I'm sorry… I don't want to pressure you, but the more I think about it, the more you don't allow me to experience new things, the more I feel trapped in our relationship. I don't want to break up with you, I love you. But maybe one day it won't be enough anymore."

Dean sighed deeply. "Okay… fine… go on dates if it makes you happy and if it can save our couple… I'll allow it."

Castiel felt relieved, happy and incredibly sad at the same time. "Do it too !" He said, pressing his hand on Dean's cheek. "Fool around, have some good time ! As long as we still love each other, still come back to each other it will be okay !"

Dean's eyes flashed with anger. "I don't want to fool around ! I don't need nor want anyone but you ! You go and find some whore who'll let you fuck them as you like, but don't expect me to do it too just so you'll feel less bad about it. If I have to deal with your needs, you should at least assume them !"

So, Castiel went online, openly flirting and things got better quickly between the two of them. Knowing that his needs were soon to be fulfilled, Castiel was as sweet and as cute as Dean could want, and it was like when they started to date: beautiful and perfect.

##

"That's so wrong!" Said Charlie furrowing her eyebrows.

Her, Dean and Sam were on their traditional family hanging out of the month and the redhaired girl had already had too much to drink. Or actually just enough to speak her mind.

"He pressured you into this and you expect us to buy that you're happy with this situation?"

Dean shrugged. "I am. It was weird at first, but let's face it, we get along perfectly well but not in the bedroom department ! He wants things that I don't want to give to him so the deal is good ! He gives me what I want, gets his kicks off with someone else and everyone is happy !"

Sam rolled his eyes and pulled off bitchface N°46 (the "I can't believe what an idiot you are").

"He's still cheating on you!"

"Nope. Not if I agree with it, that's called open relationship Sammy."

"That's what you say now ! But I remember that you used to hate the idea that you might not be enough for him!"

Dean lowered his gaze to his whiskey. "Let's face it Sam."He answered softly "I'm not enough for him. We don't even fight on the same team and it's obvious ! I'm really lucky he did not just dump my sorry ass for a more attractive guy. Maybe I have to swallow a little on my pride, but if it's what it takes to keep the one I love close to me, then fine."

Charlie opened big eyes. "You really think Castiel can find a better looking guy? I mean… You think that's all your relationship is about? Attractiveness?"

"I don't know what to think Charlie, I came here for support, not for the both of you to kick my ass okay?"

"Okay." She answered. "But before we close the topic, I want you to hear at least once that Castiel is the lucky one in this relationship. He's lucky to have you !"

Sam nodded.

##

The first time Castiel went on a date with a stranger, Dean was 100% sure he was okay with it. He was 100% wrong and less than an hour later he was at Charlie's doorstep, asking if he could stay the night. She did not ask any questions, gave him beer, popcorn and a blanket and cuddled next to him on the couch watching a rerun of Zorro.

He told her why he was upset the next morning after their first coffee of the day and she nodded.

"I say screw him." She said. "Go on this damn dating website and have some fun ! This is what this open relationship thing is about !"

"No ! It's about saving our couple !"

"Yup, and dating hotties. Come on Dean, it's been forever since you hit on someone, I bet you don't even remember how fun it is !"

"I don't need to remember, I have Cas"

"You could have Cas AND all the cute boys around!"

Dean smiled. It took some more convincing but he eventually let her create him a profile on the dating website, claiming that he would never check his messages ever.

Once again he was 100% wrong and two days after, he checked. Fifteen messages, he was astonished because his profile picture wasn't that great (Charlie wanted to put one where he was shirtless and Dean argued that he didn't want to pass for a sexworker), and his bio was boring. The first two messages were… filthy at least and made him cringe, he suppressed them without replying and carefully opened a third one swearing to himself that if it was another disgusting proposition for a quickie in an alley, he would leave the website. But the third one had good grammar and was actually a cute and funny introduction. He replied to this one and kept scrolling until he opened the last one. Only three out of the fifteen made the cut but it made him smile anyway. It was really good for his ego to be called "beautiful" and "amazing eyes" even from guys who obviously only wanted to get into his pants.

He didn't speak about it with Cas because they avoided the subject since the beginning of the open thing. But he talked about it with Sam and Charlie. He told them how good it was to feel desired and praised and they smiled.

It took him a whole month but he finally agreed to go on a date with one of the guys with who he chatted on the website. It was weird at first, and uncomfortable. But as the diner went on, Dean felt more at ease ( maybe the red wine helped a little) and before he knew it, he was half naked in his date apartment with absolutely no clue of what to do next.

"First time dating someone outside of your boyfriend?" The guy asked. Dean nodded. "We don't have to have sex if you feel uncomfortable… I offered you a last coffee and we could do just that. Have a last coffee."

Dean nodded again, he felt stupid. The guy kissed him on the cheek and pressed his shoulder before heading back to the kitchen to make them both coffee. Dean left soon after, went back to his place and went into bed next to the familiar warmth of Castiel. He couldn't do that. Did not want to.

Life with Cas was great, perfect, sex was good, they laughed like they used to, hanged out, supported each other. Everything was fine.

Dean kept chatting on line and had another date with the coffee guy. This time he was more at ease, this time they actually had sex. Dean was so accustomed to Cas after a few years of being with him that it was strange being in bed with someone who didn't know what buttons to push to make him come at the speed of light. It was strange to have to map another body, to explore, to look for pleasurable spots, to hear different moans.

The strangest thing was how the guy touched him. How he kept babbling sweet nothings between his short breath. How he wrapped himself around Dean after throwing away the condom and practically purred in his hear as they fell asleep.

Strange did not even start to describe it and Dean found the word only when he told Sam all of it.

"It was good." He said smiling. "Really good."

He kept seeing coffee guy, went on a few other dates, had sex with a few other men and it was always all fun and no pain. He actually enjoyed learning new ways to pleasure his partners, he loved how hard they all worked to get into his pants.

"I don't understand" He said one day to Charlie. "I'm nothing that special but it's like they're all desperate to have me!"

"It's good right?"

"Oh yeah !" Dean smiled.

At first, he feared that he would think of himself as a slut for sleeping with so many guys, but it felt actually right as long as everyone involved was up for a casual hook up. And he get an unexpected pleasure out of it everytime these guys complimented him, a thing that Castiel hadn't done in quite a long time. After all, Cas might not be the only one getting what he lacked in this open relationship.

Accepting this deal was the best thing he ever did and he made a mental note to thank Cas for it later.

##

Dean was out. Once again. And Castiel was alone at home, once again, scrolling his boyfriend's profile on the website, reading sweet messages left by his one (or more) night stands while he himself had only gone on a few unsatisfying dates.

It was unfair ! This was his idea, Dean did not even like it in the first place and he was the one having his kick with everyone when Castiel was left alone at home! He grabbed his jacket and headed to the nearest bar, resolved to get drunk and wake up in the morning when Dean would be home and have a serious conversation with his boyfriend. The cold air calmed him a little but his deception and anger went up again as soon as he was close to the bar. Dean was here with his date of the night. Tall guy, built like an oak, hands all over Dean as he kissed him like his life depended of it. Castiel froze. When the couple took a step back from each other, Dean saw him and smiled.

"Hey love, here for a date?"

"Here to drink." Mumbled Castiel as jealousy bit harsly in his belly. Dean introduced him to the tall guy, Benny, with a huge smile and kissed him quickly on the mouth.

"You and I, date tomorrow night? There's a new movie I'm dying to see with you !" Dean cheerfully babbled. Castiel nodded but his eyes were on Benny. He had piercing light eyes, a beard that must be a pain to maintain that clean and beautiful, muscles everywhere the eyes could reach and an ass to die for. And he looked at Dean like he was the best pie in the world.

"Crap… forgot my jacket, be right back !"

Dean left them alone as he went back on the bar to look for his jacket and an uncomfortable silence fell until Benny broke it with a huge grin.

"Mate, you're a saint ! If someone as amazing as him was my boyfriend, I'd hate to see anyone put a hand on him !"

"Amazing?" Castiel asked surprised.

"I mean… He's smart, really kind, fun too if you like snarky humor, open minded… And.. No offense mate but your boyfriend is damn cute too !"

"Yeah… A little chubby but… yeah, he has nice eyes."

"Amazing eyes ! And don't get me started on the chubby part ! His hips are the perfect size for my hands I can't stop caressing him and… herm… sorry mate, I know he's your boyfriend, didn't mean to offense you…"

"I'm not offended." Replied Castiel. He was actually stunned that a guy like Benny could actually be interested in someone like Dean. Yes Dean was smart, nice, had delicate features and a good heart… But next to Benny, he was like a nerd next to a warrior straight out from a movie. Before Castiel found something to say, Dean was back and weaving goodbye at him as Benny lead him by the hand to his car leaving Castiel alone again.

He got drunk that night. But no amount of alcohol could help him forget about the glint in Benny's eyes as he spoke about Dean. Like he was genuinely happy to have him for the night. And Castiel couldn't understand why, nor why he felt so betrayed. After all, this was his idea… how did things turned out so wrong?

It was true that Benny couldn't stop caressing Dean, petting him like he was a cat, cuddling with him, his beard tickling his bare side. It was also true that Dean's curves were the perfect fit for his big hands and that he genuinely felt happier every night he shared with Dean.

Dean had long stopped to ask himself why good looking guys like Benny took interest on him. It happened for a reason or another and he just basked in the delight of being praised and treated like the first prize of a very selective competition.

Being with Cas was always good, familiar, sweet and fun. Being with anyone else was a fun challenge. Being with Benny was warm and fulfilling for both of them and they started seeing each other more and more lately.

Benny had only one strange kink: he was never more happy than when he succeeded in making his partners laugh in bed. This had caused a lot of ruined orgasms for both of them but it just meant more time caressing each other, more time mapping each other with their mouth and tongue, more time spent pleasuring each other and it was good like rain in a drought.

But rain became a storm the morning after they met Castiel at the bar. A storm with furious bloodshot blue eyes and a snarky voice.

"Had fun last night?"

Dean nodded smiling and tried to kiss Castiel but the other one turned his head.

"Something wrong?"

"EVERYTHING'S WRONG !" Castiel yelled. He had not slept despite the decent amount of alcohol he drank, and his anger had grown every hour since the previous night.

Dean sat on the couch, concerned and caring. "Tell me about it."

"I don't like to see you with Benny ! I'd like for you not to see him again !"

"Why?"

"Because…" Castiel had honestly no good reason except that he felt betrayed and spoiled. "I made a mistake ! I want our relationship the way it was before !"

"Why?" Dean asked softly.

"I hate to see you with other guys." Castiel admitted. " It's unfair ! I had like three dates while you're constantly hanging out with strangers ! I'm jealous okay? I love you and I want you all to myself!"

Dean remained silent.

"Say something !"

"Do you hate to see me with other guys because you love me, or because you don't flirt as much as you expected?"

That was it, that was a tricky, slippery question and Castiel was sober enough to know that the wrong answer would be a death sentence for their relationship.

"Because I love you. I don't care for others, they mean nothing, and I'm jealous because these other guys, they take you away from me and I don't wanna lose you." It was the strict truth and Dean felt it, wrapped his arms around Castiel and kissed him.

"Okay." He said. "I'll stop seeing other guys if you stop too."

This wouldn't be a problem since Cas last went on a date weeks ago, but he smiled and kept that information for himself.

It shouldn't be that hard to let everyone know that he was not interested in dating anymore, but telling it to Benny proved difficult for Dean. He delivered his message on the phone without catching his breath and waited for the yelling that would follow. But the end of the line stayed quiet.

"You still there?"

"Yes I am." Said Benny. "If you think it's the best for you, mate, go on and don't mind me. I wish you two all the best."

Dean felt something drop in his stomach. "I expected some yelling, you trying to convince me to keep seeing each other…"

"I'd like that; if you're up to it I'd gladly spend some times with you as friends."

The heavy thing sank deeper in Dean's chest. He laughed darkly. "I knew all your sweet words were only to get me in your bed." He teased half hearteadly.

"Oh sweetheart… Every word I said, I meant them. Even all the dirty ones that I kept to myself because you hate dirty talk."

"And you don't even pretend that you'd like to keep fucking me? All the others did."

"I'd like to keep fucking you. I'd like to keep you in bed with me every minute of every day but…"

The heavy thing was painful now and Dean felt a wave of emotion crash through him.

"But what?"

"But I fell in love with you sweetheart. The same way you love Castiel, so I know what it feels to put yourself after the other's happiness. If you're happy, I'm okay, even if I'd rather you being happy with me than him… but if you think this is the best for you, I won't ever try anything to keep you from your man."

Dean felt a single tear roll on his cheek and quickly whipped his eyes.

"Are you sure this is the best for you Dean? This is me fighting to keep you… Are you sure he's in love with you the way you're in love with him?"

"Goodbye Benny."

##

"But I shipped the hell out of you !" Charlie whined when Dean told her. "Why did you… It was Castiel's idea, he got caught at his own game and now you're back to what he wants ! You always do what he wants but what about you ?"

"I liked the open relationship, but you know I love being in a long term commitment far more than fooling around."

"A long term commitment with someone who thinks he's better than you." Sam said dryly. "That's not healthy Dean ! That's only you hanging on on the only person that keeps reminding you how worthless you are and how lucky you are that a guy like him took interest in you in the first place."

"You're wrong!" Said Dean.

"No, I'm right and you know it. You loved this open relationship because it helped you dealing with Castiel and the fact that since you two got together, he stopped looking at you like you put the stars in the sky. And you need to be admired. We all do."

"And Benny thinks you're the greatest thing in the Universe." Said Charlie softly.

They had discussed it earlier and they knew they were taking a risk by saying that to Dean. She didn't want to push him too far but maybe it was what he needed.

"It's the difference between loving someone and being in love with them." She said. "Of course Castiel loves you and you love him too. But is he in love with you? Does he make you feel like you're Batman when he looks at you?"

"He's my Batman !"

"But you should be his too."

##

Things were back to normal, good, quiet for a while and Castiel fell back in his comfortable life with Dean. From time to time, he went back to the dating website, boosting his ego with the sexy messages he was still been sent but all in one, their relationship was back to normal. Castiel didn't see anyone and he trusted Dean to be honest and loyal enough to keep his promise to stop seeing other guys too.

Later, he would think that none of this would have happened if he had reminded himself to log out of the dating website. But once, just once he forgot, and Dean found out about Steve's messages. And Colin ones. And Gaspard's. And Twink903…

"Care to explain?"

"I don't date any of these guys, it's just a little innocent flirt, it's fun !"

"Those I read weren't that innocent." Said Dean between clenched teeth. "I see you like them fit and naked on their profile picture."

"Dean it's a dating website, everyone's naked in the profile picture !"

Dean looked at him with round eyes. "Seriously ? This is what you're choosing to defend yourself with ?"

Castiel didn't answer, knowing very well that by now, any answer would be a wrong one. Dean sighed.

"Are you still in love with me Cas?"

"Of course I am ! I love you !"

Dean shook his head. "I know you love me, it's not what I asked you. Are you in love with me ? Like… Am I the one you cherish the most in this planet? Am I the one you can't stop thinking about? Do your heart jump in your chest when you see me at the end of the day?"

"We've been together for years Dean… these things fade with time, I still love you."

"Yeah" said Dean sadly. "But you're not in love with me anymore. You don't really care anymore. You prefer hitting on twinks on the internet than trying to remember how great you though I was back when we met…"

Now, Castiel was angry. Dean had absolutely no right to doubt his feelings, not knowing Castiel stayed with him despite being obviously too good for him!

"Back when we met, you were sexy and fun ! Now look at you ! You could use to lose some weight and you barely talk to me anymore!"

He knew he shouldn't have said that the second he said the last word, but it was too late and Dean was the kind of guy to never forget these mistakes.

"I'm sorry. I did not mean it." He muttered confused. He actually meant every word, but not the harsh blaming tone he used. He truly did not want to hurt Dean. Because he really loved him… but sometimes Dean made him so furious !

"I talk to people who care to listen." Said Dean. His voice was soft, not even angry, just tired. "And these people don't mind my body. They actually love it. They taught me to love it too! So I guess we're done…"

"But I love you !"

"I love you too. But you can't give me what I want in a relationship, and neither can I give you what you want."

It was sad and unexpected but Castiel slowly nodded. "I'll miss you."

"I'm not dead Cas. Just because we're not a couple anymore doesn't mean we're not friends or close anymore. It will just take time to learn to know each other as friends and not lovers."

The worst part was that when Dean left the apartment with a bag of clothes on his shoulder, Castiel saw exactly what Benny and all the others loved about Dean, what he had once loved too before he started taking it for granted. He saw how brave and kind Dean was, how smart and wise.

He finally saw how lucky he was that this man still wanted to be his friend even after Castiel convinced himself that he was better than Dean just because he hit the gym three times a week.

##

"Benny?"

"Hello sweetheart."

Even on the phone, Benny had a really nice voice that warmed Dean inside and made him smile.

"I know I'm a lot early, but there's a new Star Wars movie screening in December and I'd really like to see it with you."

There was a little blank at the end of the line then a soft chuckle.

"It'd be my pleasure. And in the meantime if you need a boyfriend or a quick fuck, I volunteer."

Dean smiled.

"A boyfriend would be perfect."


End file.
